Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae