What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
You Might Also Like
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?