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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.