*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.