First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I have so many questions.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Noah was an idiot.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”