My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
is it earth
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.