My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read