Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso