Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass