Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet