Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…