Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?