Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters