[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Thursday
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.