If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
You are what you delete.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.