I saw this ending much differently.
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
fly smarter, not harder
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another