Has there ever been a more American story?
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Oh deer
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?