*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.