For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Dammit Chief not again
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.