text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
True
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive