PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist