Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”