WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My life in a nutshell
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.