“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A new level of troll.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman