3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
A charcuterie board is just dry soup