[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.