I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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i baked you a cake
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box