My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets