Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Before & after 😅
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Usage Guidelines
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: