dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*