Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.