I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”