Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION