*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
You Might Also Like
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
hackers play passwordle
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.