I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
CUTE CAT‼︎
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job