When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.