Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
There’s only one good girl here!