If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Baking is just science you can eat.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things