Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT