That took me a moment.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.