6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
seems like a niche market
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.