Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
my nickname in college
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?