Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.