And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.