I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.