[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 馃幍 The Exact Same World馃幍
You Might Also Like
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
All I’m saying is I鈥檇 rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife鈥檚 purse.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
掳a turd walks into a bar掳
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] 掳sighs掳 i just got dumped
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that鈥檚 way too scary
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I鈥檓 gonna call you Man鈥檚 best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick