[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work