[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.