Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
my nickname in college
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.