Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?